Parenting Godly Teens #7: Have spiritual conversations with you kids

Posted on June 5, 2012 by parklinscomb

Many of us have heard this passage many times — I quoted it last week — but it still bears repeating: “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.” Deuteronomy 6:6, 7, NAS95. In this article I want to talk about having spiritual conversations with your teens.

You may consider this suggestion to be the hardest of them all, and it is often the case that teens are hard to talk with. But consider — maybe even remember — some of the reasons why…

  • Conversations with parents often turn into parental lectures
  • Sometimes “thinking out loud” is a quick route to criticism in a teen’s mind
  • Sometimes parents who get “cornered” by their teens’ questions get defensive and dictatorial
  • Sometimes teens are under the impression that parents aren’t really interested in what they think about spiritual matters (that’s one among other things that we’re trying to correct here)
  • Sometimes teens haven’t really thought through many spiritual issues (having been spoon fed what to believe)

Such communication breakdowns and misunderstandings need to be repaired first before any real spiritual conversation can happen. But in many cases, this can be as easy as acknowledging and apologizing for your part of the communication problems and offer to start anew. Teens — like the rest of us — are often quite responsive to offers to renew conversation and relationship. So, if there is a conversational freeze going on between you and your teen, consider your conversational style, your conversational attitudes, your response to challenging questions, your tendency to criticize (not that certain kinds of criticism aren’t crucial sometimes), or any other barrier you might be responsible for and change things.

Beyond that, however, let me encourage to start the conversations with open-ended questions. For example, “I was reading Isaiah the other day and I ran across a verse that kind of made me think. What do you think it means?” Or here’s one that’s a little dangerous, but will probably get a pretty good response, “What do you think is the best way for me [or “our family”] to put today’s sermon into practice?” Or, “Why do you think that [place the name of a pop star — there’s always one in self-destruct mode] does those sorts of things? How could the Lord improve [X’s] life?” Or anything else that you know your teen might respond to in a spiritual vein. Help them — again, by means of questions — learn to think critically (not in the sense of being critical, but in sense of the careful examination of things to discover the truth) about things they’re tempted by, what they see others doing, about faith and life and truth. It is the uncritical group-think of peer pressure that you want to inoculate them against. Starting points could be sermons, Bible classes, personal study questions, website material (we have a lot on our church website), everyday situations, or headlines. Interestingly enough, sometimes a shared prayer with your teen can be a great point of departure for a wonderful spiritual conversation.

But let me also warn you that you’ll probably need to do some heavier spiritual thinking too — maybe even a little research. Your teens will probably ask questions that you’ve never thought about, or at least haven’t thought about in a long time. They tend to “think outside the box” a lot; so, don’t expect to have “the answer” every time. And sometimes such questions might not be a welcome challenge in a busy life; but you’re a parent — it will be necessary not only for the spiritual welfare of your teens, but it’s also good for YOU.

If this is the first time you’ve tried doing this, it may start off slow; but take courage, with increased frequency, it will grow into better and deeper conversations. Before too long both you and your teen will engage in it as naturally as breathing and you’ll both look forward to opportunities to talk about the deeper things of life — by the way, those are often the things that kids are interested in more than video games, pop culture, and the opposite sex. You are your teen’s best chance at a solid, devout, well-thought-through life of discipleship to Jesus. God requires it of your discipleship as a parent to teach them His way. Help them to think, to grow in Christian commitment through becoming sure of what they believe. Have lots of spiritual conversations with your teen.

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Parenting Godly Teens, #6, Demonstrate Genuine Faith

Posted on May 30, 2012 by parklinscomb

One of the most ineffective ways to raise a godly teenager is to offer a lot of pious platitudes while living a different way. It will bait plenty of accusations of hypocrisy and insincerity, provide a ready-made comeback for any parental commands (“Oh, it’s do what I way do and not what I do, huh?”), and will be more than adequate reason to reject and rebel against even the very best wisdom you could offer. It is only the slimmest of hopes that your child will really listen to your urgings to be smart and learn from your sins and weaknesses; and if they do, they are likely to view you more as an object of pity rather than as an honored parent. This is why as a parent you really must do your very best to demonstrate a genuine faith.

With this article on parenting godly teens I want to get a bit personal, if I may. My father was a petroleum geologist and my mother was a homemaker and substitute teacher. They were not in paid ministry, but they were always active Christians. My father was a deacon or an elder in every church we worshipped with for as far back as I can remember, and my mother was right there beside him providing meals, hospitality, and whatever else she could. My father’s faith often got in the way career-wise, however. The oil business is pretty cut-throat and the people wo often populate it are often guided more by the false gods of money and power than the true God of the universe. This often put our family in financial straits, having to make decisions and sacrifices for faith’s sake. To mom’s and dad’s credit, they didn’t hide the circumstances behind these tough times with us kids; instead they shared them with us and explained the spiritual “whys” of our sacrifices. I’m sure they didn’t share everything with us, but the net effect was spiritually substantial that has lasted down to the present hour — genuine discipleship. It wasn’t anymore heroic than it should have been, it was simple faithfulness to the Lord that was shared and, therefore, modeled for us that made all the Bible classes, sermons, and home-based teaching truly effective. Were there mistakes that they made? Yes, and when they were made they were usually owned and corrected before our eyes. They meant what they were saying for themselves, not just for us.

This is not said to lionize my parents — although for putting up with me, they probably deserve at least a Bronze Star — rather it is to point out a good example of something that worked pretty well on three teens that grew up to be faithful Christian adults. And it is to point out a practical living-out of what Deuteronomy 6:6, 7 talks about, “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.” This is done not merely by “teaching them diligently” through family devotionals or formal Bible classes in the home; it is also effectively done by just “talking of them” as you talk about — well — life. Talk about your challenges in your own life (and how the Scripture guides you through them), the temptations you may face (and what you’re doing to overcome), the hope you have in spite of the difficulties you face, and the stories from your own past and what things you’ve learned and are practicing now. Bring them with you as you work in the kingdom — my dad brought me (at 14 and 15 years old) to Nueces County Jail every Sunday for months to bring communion to some inmates, handing communion bread and cups through bars. Doing so helped make Christianity more than just a pious phrase about visiting the prisoners; it helped it become a life.

Abstract Bible teaching can be just that — abstract, ethereal, and theoretical. You are your children’s living models of what you can read in the Bible, you put flesh and bone on the teachings, and you can and should bring the words on the page to life. If you’ll do that, you’ll be leaving a lasting legacy of useful and cherished memories about how dad or mom lived out their discipleship. I still find myself occasionally asking what dad would do or say in certain situations — not that he’s better than Jesus, but because I’ve seen dad in action. I can still “see” the look on his face, “hear” the tone of hope and faith in his voice, and clearly remember the attitude of his heart through good times and bad time, demonstrated by what he did.

This may be the toughest part of parenting a godly teen, living up to the standard of godliness yourself. But it’s well worth the effort — for your teen’s soul and your own.

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Parenting Godly Teens, #5: Teach them hope

Posted on May 23, 2012 by parklinscomb

Here’s a topic for raising teens that isn’t raised too often. And yet here’s a topic that really must be addressed, because of the alarming rate at which young people seek to deal with temporary problems with serious, long-term, bad solutions like drugs or harm to themselves. Parents worry about these issues, but sometimes do little more than tell their kids just to say no. There is something more that could and should be done. The root of the problem in many cases is despair — a problem encountered that seems intractable, painful, and never-ending. The solution: hope.

Hope is not necessarily obtained naturally. We sometimes are under the impression that you are either born optimistic or pessimistic, that you are either just hopeful and happy, or despairing and depressed; but not so fast, it’s not exactly that simple. There are, of course, people we all know who seem to have come forth from the womb smiling and optimistic — and others who seem to have been born Eeyore-like; so they are to some degree inborn attitudes. But hope and optimism are at least as much a learned attitude as an inborn point of view; and as a parent (especially of a teenager) you need to be sure to teach it. Why?

In children and teenagers there is often less a sense of future possibilities (despite all the grand dreams for the future that adults believe they have) and generally much more a sense of now; and when “now” stinks, it can be easy for them to conclude that it will never end, it will never get better, I will simply be miserable forever — and with it the temptation to harm themselves. And in the world of the teen (as you might remember), there’s plenty to be miserable about — peer relations, romantic relations (real or imagined — thin Romeo and Juliet), grades, hormones, general confusion, defeats that just come with life, the “unfairness” of authority figures, guilt, occasionally the exaggerated seriousness of “maturity”, and more. And then layer on top of that some more serious adult problems that sometimes come their way. They need to learn hope and optimism, even if they are by nature an “Eeyore”. So, how do you do that?

First, by what you teach. There is a lot for Christians to share with their children about having hopeful, optimistic attitudes. The whole notion of faith is not so much about coming to church as it is about seeing the unseen, seeing the God who is invisible to the physical eye, seeing a grand future and reward for faithful living, and seeing like Elisha in 2 Kings 6:16,17) the ready help that is available in prayer. They need to know that everyone — EVERYONE — has bad days, but that things do get better, if we’ll follow the Lord’s instructions — a key to improving situations.

Consider…

Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

John 16:33 ““These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.””

Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

Romans 8:35-39 “Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, “FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.” But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

And by the way, let me emphasize the obedience to the Lord’s will part again. There is no hope in sinful responses. They sometimes look good, but they lead to nothing but further trouble. Problems truly become intractable, when we try to solve them sinfully, dysfunctionally, and dishonorably. I wish I had a nickel for every counseling client I’ve had, who had problem they were trying to solve with sin and who were completely baffled as to why things weren’t getting better. Problems are best solved by following God’s will — teens, like adults, need to remember this and have it constantly reinforced in heart.

But second, you teach hope to your teens by how you live. It will do little good to teach without a good example. What we say is validated as true by our children and especially our teens by what we actually practice. Do you live optimistically? Full of faith? Hopefully? Or is your example fearful, pessimistic, “faith-challenged”, and full of “gloom and doom”? Do you need to teach yourself so that you can model hep for your own teen. You might be surprised at the results in your own life.

Hope isn’t the foolproof firewall against every teenage danger. It’s only a single tool in the parental toolbox to equip your teens against the things they’re likely to face in their adolescence and early adulthood — but it’s a powerful one. Don’t neglect it, don’t discount it as just fluff. Teach it and model it. Let in insulate your teen from despair and its frequent tragedy.

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Raising Godly Teens #4: Keeping Electronics Under Control

Posted on May 15, 2012 by parklinscomb

OK, this one may seem like a little hypocrisy coming from a guy who loves his electronics. The other difficulty with even writing this article is that everyone has a slightly different idea about what is “under control” and what is not — often depending a lot on how “connected” you are or are not. But believe it or not I think that there are some identifiable, logical limitations. And who better to write about the dangers of electronica than a “gadget guy”.

There’s not doubt about it, we are the most “connected” culture in history; although, ironically, we are probably also the least meaningfully connected culture in history. And it’s all due to our gadgets. They’re with us all the time feeding us an ever-flowing stream of information — most of which is trivial in the extreme. And both we and our teens are drowning in it. Why? Doesn’t the information “keep”? Yes, of course, it does — the emails stay right in the our inbox until we read them The voice mail stays right where it is, patiently waiting on us to listen. And the text messages stay right on our phones until a convenient time arises to read them. One of the advantages of all this technology was supposed to be that it waited on us, allowing us not to be distracted by a cacophony of voices that, if not listened to at the moment, faded away into the ether, like all sound does. But sadly the opposite has happened; we have gotten to the point that we wait, with bated breath, on our devices and answer them with urgency usually reserved for 911!

The intrusion of these devices into our lives is not harmless. They rob us of family time, of real conversation, and of the ability to focus for an extended period of time; and they sometimes actually make our children both “illiterates” and “mutes” in the languages of emotion, the body, facial expression, and more. There could be a reason why people who spend too much time in front of computers sometimes lack social skills, Worse, they rob us of time to think, evaluate, judge, and weigh things in our minds carefully. These devices often take away from us the time that they promised to give us more of — time that could be better used in Bible study, meditation, Christian service, or real interaction with real family and friends.

Now some of us have learned to wait until a convenient time has arisen to deal with our emails, text messages, voice mails, and recorded TV Shows, but it has taken disciplined effort. Even so, we can sometimes (just like teens) mindlessly reach for our devices like a nervous habit, like chewing our fingernails or playing with our hair. And this is what our teens are still in the process of learning to control. So what should be done? My opinion is that, given the fact that we live in a world full of these devices, we need to teach our children and teens how to use them well — in a way that isn’t harmful to them socially or spiritually.

Let me start by suggesting something that I saw recently as a guest at a dinner table. A basket was passed around the dining table, and it was expected that every cell phone would be turned off and put into the basket — adults and teens, no exceptions. I liked it. The family dinner table really ought to be considered that important. No TV, no cell phones, no computers of any variety, no remotes, no distractions! And this little discipline might be well applied to a number of other things, too — homework, family meetings, family nights. Its purpose would be to teach that we are to love people and use things — to the other way around. Face to face interactions ought to have highest priority, and we need to learn how to ignore the urgent but unimportant in favor of the truly important.

Keep TV-watching down to a disciplined allowance per day. Like a monetary allowance, such a discipline keeps your teens on track with important things, and teaches that budgeting time is as crucial as budgeting money. It is just one more way to emphasize that fun comes after work, leisure comes after responsibility, and that real accomplishment is more important than one’s knowledge of pop culture.

And the last thing that I’ll note here is that they need to learn how to “spot the lie”. This is true for just about every facet of their (and our) lives, but when it comes to the electronic world, there’s a lot of rotten stuff out there mixed in with the innocent and even good stuff. Like everything else, the Christian needs to learn how to discern — how to judge the good from the bad, the black from the white, and even the gray areas. They won’t learn this easily on their own par at  from the “school of hard knocks”; so teach them. Help them stay away from the porn sites (putting their computer in the family room is a good start), learn to identify and stay away from predators, learn how to say no to inappropriate proposals (e.g., “sexting”), etc.

Like most things there’s a good side and a bad side to personal electronics. Let’s teach our teens how to take the earplugs out, shut things off, and use these tools for good and productive lives — staying away from the abuses.

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Raising Godly Teens, #3 — Let Them Suffer (and Learn) a Little

Posted on May 10, 2012 by parklinscomb

I hope this title doesn’t make me sound like a monster, but interestingly enough it is actually biblical: “Do not hold back discipline from the child, although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.” Proverbs 23:13, NAS95. Now, neither the Bible nor I are are suggesting a torture chamber for your kids. What I mean is the “torture” of work, struggle, failure, loss, getting punished, “doing without”, waiting, saving rather than spending, starting at the bottom and working your way up, living with consequences of your deeds, and sweat — just to name a few.

And for anyone who has teens or an remember being a teen, you know how these things an create groans, weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth that sound like they might be coming out of a torture chamber — all in hopes that you’ll rescue them from these unfair tortures. Sometimes these dramatics work quite effectively on parents — the results are usually more or less like the out-of-control children you might see on “Super Nanny” (if you can stand to watch that program).

But some parents don’t have to be “persuaded”. Some will “protect” their children from suffering, because they want their children to have it better than they did. They’d like to put them in a protective bubble to shield them from the bumps and bruises of life. Sadly, the results are often very fragile and dysfunctional adults with grave “entitlement” issues. While one of the functions of good parenting is to protect one’s children from harm; our children, especially our teens, don’t really need to be protected from everything.

In both cases — the permissive parenting style and the protective parenting style — the truth remains that they “…will not die”, when they are allowed to endure such discipline. In fact, they will thrive. To do otherwise is to create “enabled” adults bereft of: strength for handling the vicissitudes of life, good judgment, responsibility, the ability to improve themselves, self-control, the virtue of thrift, and many other important life skills.

When I was in junior high, I mowed lawns in the hot Corpus Christi summers for spending money. I had managed to save a whole $12 dollars, a fortune to me; and as I entered the 9th grade I wanted to carry the money in my wallet. My parents warned me, but I couldn’t be persuaded, because I was sure that I knew what I was doing. A couple of days later my wallet was stolen out of my gym locker. My parents didn’t replace the money; how insensitive! It was a $12, hard-learned lesson about the lack of honesty in the world that I never forgot.

This is the very way, God deals with us. We often groan toward Heaven about our plight in life, but God is just being a good Father. Sometimes He lets us work rather than just providing what we want, He lets us suffer the consequences of our foolishness rather than protecting us the way we’d like, or He lets us struggle for answers rather than just giving us the quick one. Sometimes He lets us grow in wisdom, in strength, in insight, in skills, in patience — letting us suffer a little, while we learn a lot.

Don’t rob your children of what they need; let them suffer a little and learn a lot.

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Raising Godly Teens, #2

Posted on May 5, 2012 by parklinscomb

Parenting teens is hard work; it’s not like when they were pre-schoolers and you could simply pick them up no matter how much of a fit they threw. You can’t spank them, and talking to them sometimes turns into big-time drama or World War III. So, sometimes parents are just tempted to throw up their hands in despair and surrender, hoping against hope that their kids don’t get into serious trouble. Sadly, I’ve often heard the parents of successful teens, when they are being asked what they did to raise good kids, refer to themselves as merely lucky.

But raising godly teens isn’t about luck. It’s, among other things, about not giving up or surrendering your role as a parent — and praying for God’s blessings of protection and strength. I know what your kids say to their peers about their parents, and how they act when you’re around (rolling their eyes at every uncool thing you do) — we’ve all “been there and done that.” But did you know that in poll after poll teens tell us that their parents are the most influential people in their lives? And this is especially true for father (please go to the Focus on the Family website and do a search for “The Vital Role of Fathering 1” — and listen). You can’t give up; you have to “stay in the game”!

“So, what am I supposed to do, when my kid is resisting my every attempt to parent him?” One critically important thing to remember when it comes to parenting teenagers is that it takes a change in parenting style. When they were younger, you could essentially use your size on them in discipline situations. But as they begin to look the same size and weight as you, parenting and discipline approaches must change. The old “it’s my way because I’m the mommy or daddy” approach has to change to more of a mentoring and coaching role. Now that doesn’t preclude a stronger role, when necessary; but you will want to choose those battles carefully. And please notice that I didn’t say that your role becomes that of a buddy — there couldn’t be a bigger mistake that parents make than to become their children’s friend.

Don’t give up a parenting when your kids become teens. Stay involved, stay connected, even when they don’t seem to want you there. Secretly, they’re glad you’re there because you care

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Raising Godly Teens, #1

Posted on May 1, 2012 by parklinscomb

A few months ago I wrote a series of articles on parenting for our church’s bulletin. It was well received and I thought that perhaps some of my other readers my enjoy them, too. So, for the next few entries I’ll be talking about the incredibly difficult job of parenting teens. I hope you find them at least thought provoking; and even if you don’t have children, you might want to pass the article along to someone who does. They might be able to use it.

As the parent of every teen will attest to, raising teens is challenging. And what’s worse is that there is no one-size-fits-all advice to guaranteed success, because although teens do share some things in common, they are also as individually different as fingerprints. But that being said, there are some general principles that parents can put into practice that will help in the last few, sometimes difficult years of parenthood.

I’ll start off with one of the biggest complaints that parents voice about their teenage children, “attitude”. Although some attitudes come from hormones and other physical issues, the truth in a nutshell is that almost every “attitude” you see in your teen is being demonstrated at home by someone. For example, angry teens often come from angry homes; conversely, self-controlled teens generally see and are expected to show proper restraint at home. We all first and best learn how to cope with problems, emotions, and hormones at home. Mouthiness, negativity, freshness, arrogance, and moodiness are often (not always, but often) teenage exaggerations of parental examples and permissiveness.

Would you like a little less attitude from your teen? Your teen may need to see less attitude from you; more discussion, more modeling of how to appropriately cope with the difficulties of life— including someone else with a poor attitude. Bottom line: conduct yourself at home as well as you want your teen to behave in private and in public.

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The Destructive Nature of Negative Attitudes

Posted on April 25, 2012 by parklinscomb

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing;” Philippians 2:14

Did you ever consider the strategy that Satan employed in the first temptation and sin? Oh sure, there was the lure of how delicious the forbidden fruit looked, there was the attraction of knowledge like God’s; but what made this mixture of temptation so potent was Satan’s deliberate stirring-up of discontent and negativity — God just doesn’t want you to be like Him. That seems to have clinched it for Eve! And things tumbled downhill rapidly after that — and have continued to tumble ever since. Negative attitudes are destructive.

Negative attitudes sometimes come in the form of discontent or complaint about how things are — or how we’re afraid their going to be. Sometimes it comes in the form of the kind of judgment that the Bible condemns (Matt. 7:1,2), that is, gratuitous criticism about everyone and everything — when a person can’t find a good thing to say about anything.  Sometimes it comes in the form of rebellion against authority (e.g., Israel against Moses and Aaron — Numbers 17:10). And sometimes it comes in the form of lack of faith in God Himself — “Does God hear us? Will God protect us? This will never happen!”

And these various forms of negativity are everywhere — far more so than we often realize. I saw a humorous video online recently entitled “Shockingly Negative” about a so-called “Complaint Zapper” that sort of brought this truth home with the implied question, “What if we had one of those zapping dog collars that zapped us every time we said something negative?” Ouch! Not only did it look painful, but it was painful to my conscience about how negative we can sometimes be.

And a negative attitude has such negative results! While Israel was wandering in the wilderness, complaint and grumbling were their regular downfalls. “We don’t have enough water. We don’t have enough food. We don’t like this food. We wish we were back in Egypt with our cucumbers and leeks. We think we’re wandering in circles. Who made you leaders, anyway? The Canaanites are too big and strong for us to defeat!” And because of their complaining, they wandered 40 years in the wilderness, the original generation who came out of Egypt died in the wilderness, Korah and other leaders of Israel were swallowed up by the earth, many died by plague, many others died by serpent bites, Aaron and Miriam died in the wilderness, and Moses never made it to the promised land. And in our day it can sour marriages, warp our kids, ruin our relationships, suck the joy right out of life, doom good works to failure, and tear down the church.

Negativity discourages others around us; it’s contagious and it tends to such the oxygen out of a room of encouragement and faith. It encourages others to be discontent and to complain. Sometimes it only takes one grumbler to kill a spirit of faith and progress. Furthermore, it discourages leaders. Consider the burden of Moses as he tried to lead Israel out of Egypt and across the wilderness, leadership amidst the constant stream of complaint and grumbling. In fact, it was out of frustration with Israel’s grumbling that Moses struck the rock for water (instead of speaking to it as God had commanded) and was barred from the Promised Land. And lastly, negativity has the tendency to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I think I can’t, if we think we can’t, we’re already 99% defeated!

Let’s stay on the sunny side of life and faith — it will benefit us for the here and now and the hereafter!

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Learning to follow before you lead

Posted on April 13, 2012 by parklinscomb

It has occurred to me a few times over the years after I read the stories of Jesus and His apostles that His teachings to the apostles about humility and service were of special importance in the discipleship training that Jesus was doing with the men that He would leave in charge of spreading the Gospel and stewarding His church. Think of passages like  Matt. 20:21 or John 13 and the constant reminder to “Follow Me.” There’s even teaching reminder to us that Jesus Himself learned obedience through the things He suffered (Heb. 5:8). Why? You have to learn how to follow before you can lead.

Leadership among God’s people, we are told, is not like the world practices it (Matt. 20:25). The reason so many of us are enamored with the desire to be leaders is because we hope to be the “big dog”, the “lead dog”, the one who “calls all the shots”, the one who doesn’t have to obey anyone anymore,  the one who tells others what to do, and the one who always gets their way. It boils down to the selfish reasons of wanting the glory, wanting the prestige, and wanting my way. But this is the furtherest thing from Jesus’ way of leadership.

Although there are a number of things that I could talk about here, I’ll limit myself today to this one: You must learn to follow before you lead. My observation over a lifetime of  ministry is that the folks who seem most breathless to lead are often the ones who don’t take kindly to direction. Many who aspire to and strive for leadership are not as interested in serving others and the Lord as they are in arranging things and people the way that they personally would like. They’re more interested in getting the limelight and the plaudits and the affirmations. This is a serious challenge for Christian leaders, because (as Bob Dylan famously wrote) “You gotta serve somebody!”

Learning to follow before being a leader means, among other things, a committed willingness to listen carefully to the Lord. No matter how long you’ve been in ministry, how long you’ve been an elder/shepherd in the church, how much education you’ve obtained, how much experience you’ve garnered, or how highly you are esteemed in the church, community, or the world; Jesus is still higher, His word is more authoritative, and it is He who will be the final judge — we, therefore, must follow Him.

It is not by accident that some ancient and modern ecclesiastical authorities have embraced a MIS-translation of Matthew 16:19.  KJV translates it — “And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” And even NIV translates — “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” The NASB95 more accurately translates — “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; and whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.” The verbs for bind and loose (here and in Matt. 18:18) are grammatically “future, perfect, passive” in Greek, and clearly mean that neither Peter nor the other apostles or disciples had authority to legislate religious law, doctrine, or morality, but were merely to reflect in their teachings what had already been bound or loosed.

But even beyond learning to follow Jesus (as superlative of a priority as that is) it is also important learn how to follow, so that the leader can learn to have the follow-ship’s best interests in mind — exercising Christian love and selflessness. Let me illustrate, the military, with few exceptions, demands that their officers work their way up through the ranks. Lieutenants who fully carry out their orders from above will become captains; captains who carry out their orders from above well will become colonels, and such colonels will become generals. They must learn to love and identify with the troops in order to properly lead and inspire them. They learn and earn leadership by first learning to follow.

A failure to learn this angle of leadership is why some men are poor husbands and fathers, leading selfishly or willfully, interested only making life easier for themselves — they likely were headstrong young men who never learned to follow. And likewise, having never learned to obey, some women want to usurp their husband’s authority, so that they can get their way and make their lives easier (in no way mindful of what it might mean for their husbands, the kids, the family finances, or their marriage). Some church leaders — unmindful of the effect of leading without relationship with the congregation, without communication with the congregation, or without input from the congregation — cause resentment among the member, because they either never learned or have forgotten what it’s like to follow.

Good Christian leadership learns and remembers how to follow.

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Would There Be Enough Evidence?

Posted on March 20, 2012 by parklinscomb

Ansar became a New Testament Christian on February 29, 2004. He was a member of this congregation for a number of years, but has moved to New York City and attends a congregation there now. However, in the recent years he has applied for asylum from the US on the basis of his conversion to Christianity, Feb. 29, 2004. I went with him to court in Boston a few weeks ago. One of the major questions that his lawyer told him would be asked is how he could prove that he was a sincere Christian and had not converted for the purposes of simply attaining asylum in the US. This caused me to do a lot of thinking, while I was waiting outside the courtroom, during the proceedings, if you were on trial for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you? And what might be considered proper evidence?

Well, of course, there would be your first confession of faith that Jesus is the Christ the Son of God, followed by your baptism into the name of Jesus Christ. This is important, of course, and would be a major piece of proof that you are a Christian. But what else?

You may come to church frequently, I hope every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday Bible study. We know that Hebrews 10:24,25 tells us that this is an important Christian activity not only for ourselves, but for all the rest of the church. It is one of the ways that Ansar demonstrated his faith over the past 8 years. Where we choose to be at times when the church is called to assemble says something about whether you are really a Christian or not. But is there anything more?

How about the fruit of the Spirit — the cooperation we give to the Spirit’s guidance in Scripture to the inner man, that is shown in how our lives change? Has your life changed? Do you remember the sinful things that you used to do? Is it evident that you changed those things in your life; have others noticed it? Have you grown in your diligence, in your faith, in your moral excellence, in your knowledge of Scripture, in your self-control (in both what you stay away from and what you do despite your aversion to it normally), in your perseverance, in your godliness, in your brotherly kindness, and in your love? (2 Peter 1:5-7). Change and growth is a crucial part of Christianity, because it is a crucial part of repentance. So is that all?

I think if I were a judge trying to discern whether or not someone was sincere in their conversion, I’d take a look at the hardship he/she was willing to endure for their faith. You know, trial truly is like the smelter’s fire separating the sincere from the insincere (1 Peter 1:7). We aren’t, of course, fed to the lions these days — but how have you endured trial? How have you handled the scoffing or scorn of your friends and family? Did you change how you acted, when doing right wasn’t cool? Did you compromise your principles or become a “shrinking violet”, when your popularity or your job were endangered? Discipleship to Jesus takes courage and conviction, and these will be evident in the Christian’s life.

It is a important and potentially disturbing question: Would there be enough evidence to convict you of being a Christian? Happily, the judge perceived Ansar’s conversion to follow Jesus as credible and sincere and granted him asylum. How would the great Judge judge you, if He were to come today? Would there be enough evidence in your life?

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